Ready For The End Of The World?

This guy is.
Here's a buttload of scenarios for the end of the world to brighten you day.

Pick your favorite!!!

YAY!!!

Man Takes Citizenship Oath, Wins Lottery

Only in F*ckin' Iowa.....
Apparently he is now the father of this country since, according to him, he adopted it..........

And Now For My Seven Answers To Six Questions. But Still Have Seven Answers To Each Question.

Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die:

1. Play Madison Square Garden
2. Jump out of a perfectly good airplane (but others have to die first. I'll be, like, 90..)
3. Give my Dad a wedgie (yup, best'a luck to me..)
4. Write my life story
5. Use the force (it is strong in this one)
6. Eat squid
7. Stay alive


Seven Things I Can Do:


1. Play drums
2. Turn a frown upside down
3. Believe and create
4. Fix your A/C
5. Produce offspring like you wouldn't believe...
6. Cook like a mofo'
7. Pretend I know what I'm talking about


Seven Things I Cannot Do:


1. Play oboe
2. Rebuild a house in a day (soon. I'm working on it)
3. Separate frozen hamburger patties without severe consequences
4. Look at, or have anything to do with, snot. (I almost puked typing that)
5. Do my wife's job
6. Speak a second language (fluently)
7. Drive without Kati telling me how to at some point (she told me to say that)


Seven Things That Attract Me To Another Person:


1: Definately a sense of humor
2: A sweet ass
3. A love of children
4. Ability to give a great blowjob (did I say that out loud?)
5. One who washes dishes (more than I do)
6. Appreciates all styles of music, no matter how crazy they may be
7. Someone who loves me no matter how stupid I can be


Seven Things I Say Most Often:


1. Shut It!
2. Goddammit!
3. Rock On Sweet Sister!
4. Sunofa Bitch!
5. Get outa' the way, Jackass
6. What the fuck?
7. So, I got my chick up 'dis tounges ass......


Seven Celebrity Crushes:


1. Amy Lee
2. Liz Hurley
3. Emily Procter (CSI Miami)
4. Kate Beckinsale
5. Marg Helgenberger
6. Jeneane Garofalo
7. Lauren Graham (Lorelai Gilmore)

Top 15 Tattoos Of Missouri Prison Inmates...

I guess we know what the "bunny" havin' inmate is doin' right now......All 125 of them......
If I were in prison, I would get a full body tattoo of myself.

Only bigger.

ROCK ON!

Nigga' Pleeze!

Ok, calm down. Don't get mad at me 'till you see the video!!!!

WORD.

Most Wanted...

Apparently the NYPD has something against people with a "lazy eye".

At least it appears that way....

The Great And Powerful Prez Has Spoken...

I gotta spruce up my editing skills. This one is really good!!!

Wow. This Ought To Keep You Occupied For A While...

Welcome to IGOD.

I asked God, "Are you a woman"? God said, "Yes and I am wearing a dress".

I asked "What color"? God said "Yellow". I said "Do you like women"?

God said "Not like that".

So I said "So you like men". God said "Most of them. Some are rude sometimes".

I said "So do you have a penis or a vagina"? God said "Interesting question. I've never had that one before".

I said, "Well, are you a man or a woman"? God said "A woman?

Do you think I would let one of them run the show"?

I said, "You just told me you were a woman wearing a yellow dress,

no wonder we are all so confused".

God said........"I was just kidding around".

If You Missed The Emmys.......

You should check this out. F*ckin' hilarious......

Holy Crap!!

This will take you to the fake magnetic bumper sticker section.

They have it all! This place is great!!

The REAL Story....

This is pretty funny...

Ooohh, Ok. Now I Get It....(God, I Am So Stupid.)

More stuff from those crazy people.....

Worst Album Covers Ever....

I thought the Man O War one was good, but they stole' my idea.

(bastards)

The Definition Of Free Time.......

I'm sure you've all seen this but.......jesus.....this man is not right in the head.

From The Mouths Of Babes....

Well, I was always wondering about Heaven until earlier today. Now I know I am safe.

My 5 year old son told me "When you are in Heaven, and you fall off of your bike, you won't skin your knee because clouds are soft, not hard".

He said this with such a straight face and and was very sincere.

Kids are smart. Don't let them fool you.

They ape you...(monkey, you know what that is, for sure!)

I was amazed at how serious he was.

Kids are smarter than we give them credit for most of the time.......

(be sure to take the time and listen to them.....)

Stephanie..

Go to purevolume.com, if you haven't already.......

It's a lot of good up and coming bands.

Just Waitin' For Hurricane Jimmy.....

Speaking Of Hurricanes.....

I just realized that all but 2 of my family members have hurricane names.......

David, Katrina, Andrew and Alex..........

All of which were pretty heavy....

Oh, crap.

Is your name there?

If You Would Like To Add A Helpful Banner To Your Site....

GO HERE.

So.. I Heard About This New Book Club.....

William S. Burroughs would be proud....

Change The Dialect Of Your Website!!!!

This is what mine would look like, were the Swedish Chef the administrator.....

Gotta Love Congress...

(What a Bastard)

Apparently, Dick's Got A Fanclub In Mississippi...

(I chuckled quite a bit at this one...)

Movie Names That Sound Like You Are Taking A Poop. YAY!

"Stand and Deliver" was a good one....

Self Explanitory.....

Are You Stupid? Welcome To Not Mensa!!!

A place for witless morons to call home....

An Old Interview With The Godfather Of Soul...

"I Feel Good"!!

(snort)

All They Wanted Was A Ride. Is That So Bad?

Here, Apparently, Is Why We Are So Damn Happy.

Why Men Are Happier Than Women
1. We keep our last name.

2. The garage is all ours.

3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

4. Chocolate is just another snack.

5. We can be president.

6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.

8. The world is our urinal.

9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

10. Same work, more pay.

11. Wrinkles add character.

12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.

13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.

14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.

16. One mood, ALL the time.

17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

18. We know stuff about tanks.

19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

20. We can open all our own jars.

21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.

23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

24. Everything on our face stays its original color.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

27. We almost never have strap problems in public.

28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.

29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.

30. We don't have to shave below our neck.

31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.

32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.

34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

"Yes, I Would Like A Large Order Of Donkey Meat, With An Extra Side Of Tiger Piss, Please...

And A Diet Coke.

To Go...

Monkey's Revolution!!

MONKEY POWER!!!

Wanna Get Preggers???

Here's something to try!!!!

(Brings the phrase "Oh God"! to a whole new level...)

To My Baby...

I Love You-

Hey Jimmy, Check This Out...

This is from a company that calls themselves:

Country Crafts From The Heart.

Hmm...

Sound Familiar?

And Look At The Shirt!

There's an' Ass Whoopin' Comin'.......

For Shad...(yes, the fish)......

Only For You, Bro'.

I Know There Is A Lot To Keep Up With, But....

Like that stuck up bitch can't afford a Big Mac.

Jesus, who gives a shit.

Finally, It's Open!!

It's a good thing they didn't build this sooner.

(I originally posted something that even I thought was offensive, so I removed it. sorry to those of you that actually saw it. Davis)

Hey, Kids! Time For Cokewhore #2!! YAY!

( I bet her and Ozzy had an interesting conversation. What a clusterf#ck that must have been....)

Once Again, We Delve Into The Mystical Demension Known As...

POOP.

As If We Didn't Already Know......

For Those Of You Who Need It.....

Here's a guide to using our most famous finger!

Here's A Book For Y'all....

Now go tell you history teachers they're full of sh*t!!!

Finally, Google Settles A Common Myth...

Be sure to zoom in all of the way.

Now we know the truth.

Holy Sh*t!! Over 3,400 Pieces!!

And it will only set you back $300!! YAY!

( would hate to be the poor kid that commited suiced trying to put this thing together.....)

I Love You, Sister-Wife!

I'm guessing this probably had to suck........A lot.

Are You A Wnna-Be Hacker?

These guys should be able to help you out!!!

As Always, I'm Here To Help.....

(Thank Me Later)

Finally, Monkey, You Have Protection....

It aslo shields from poop slinging!! YAY!

For The Jeffrey Dahmer In All Of Us.....

...."I would like on dozen glazed penises, please".......

Rutgers Trying To Figure Out What Goes Into A Female Orgasm...

I don't know about you guys, but I have a pretty good idea!

Wolf Once Again Impresses Us With His Compassion....

.........."so poor, so black"..........

(What a jackass)

Holy Christ.

This Is Hilarious.....

Seriously! You Gotta Come Look At This One!

Here's your chance, weirdo...

oD uoY evaH A cixelsyD nrobweN libreG?

I teb eseht sklof nac pleh uoy tuo! YAY!

Wanna Have A Naked Vacation?

So Many To Choose From......

(float in the water, and as they say in England...Tits Up!)